***NEWS FLASH*** Fall 2004

"Grab you nooses and your lighter fluid, folks, 'cause we're going witch-huntin'!"
~ Senator Edward Kennedy

AP: After an extensive undercover investigation of about six days (November 3-8), the leadership of the national Democratic party revealed today that the newly-reelected Bush administration is actually a coven of witches and warlocks set for the silencing, and eventual destruction, of Democrats everywhere.

Karl Rove, supreme Warlock and Strategic Magician of the Bush administration, allegedly planned the entire operation, code-named AnnCoulter. The plan was to place key administration officials skilled in the arts of magic, known inside the White House as Mages, at strategic points across the fruited plains--New York City, NORAD, Barbara Streisand's estate in Hollywood--so as to fully blanket the nation in dark magic when they simultaneously cast their potent spells.

The Democrats' key operative in Washington was former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger, who used his pants to smuggle Karl Rove's personal diary out of the White House. According to various document experts referred to the Democrat Party by CBS, the diary is authentic, despite minor evidence that indicates the pages recovered were written on the back page of last Thursday's New York Times. Experts quickly dismissed the evidence as a trick of the Republicans. Some excerpts from Chief Warlock Karl Rove's diary:

"[March 11, 2001].....If I have learned anything from growing up in a conservative Christian home, it is that we need to silence all opposition through any means necessary, including beheading. (Damn those Muslims who took our idea and used it first!)......I plan on....[indecipherable due to blood stains on the manuscript]"

"[September 10, 2001].....Any day now. We cut off communication with Osama and the Saudis a week ago just to be safe.....We arranged for the Arabs to pass all security checkpoints easily. This will be great! We've been preparing for Georgie's unveiling of the "strong leader" role for quite some time now; if only he could get that darn phrase 'misunderestimate' right!"

"[July 18, 2004].....The Christians hate Harry Potter so much publicly that they will never guess that it's we who are involved in a witchcraft-filled plot to cure Democrats of their worthless ways. I can't wait to see their faces when we cast the ultimate spell on them....oh that reminds me--make a note to call J.K. Rowling and thank her for the indispensable sorcery training; Georgie never would have been prepared otherwise......[indecipherable]......well, I must go recite the Apostle's Creed now and pray for those I plan to persecute......"

DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe spoke with restrained rage this morning: "When I learned of this plot, I must admit I was surprised, disgusted, and a little scared. The Republicans have gotten way out of control in the last four years. I didn't realize their mind-control techniques were powerful enough to force 56 million people to vote for Bush. But we know now. And we will fight them to the death!

Former presidential nominee John Kerry agreed, with one small caveat: "When I was in Vietnam, I encountered hundreds of manipulative men who used mysterious spiritual techniques on me--they were all Americans, never Viet Cong. I support this rally against the Republicans--as soon as we get approval from the U.N. "

Kofi Annan, Secretary-General of the U.N., who said earlier this week that force is sometimes necessary to resolve conflicts, released a statement this afternoon: "This is one of those times. I call on all freedom fighters in Fallujah, Najaf, Afghanistan and France, to rally to our flag, so that we can fight the Republicans with peace talks and meaningless resolutions that will bore them into surrender."

Barbara Streisand held a vigil last night at fellow activist and B-actor Ben Afleck's home in Hollywood. They quoted their newfound prophet, Thomas Jefferson, who said in 1798: "A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public debt......If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake."

Michael Moore and Al Franken bunkered down in Moore's spacious apartment in New York City when they heard the news about the coming Republican sorcery attack. "I've got enough Twinkies in my wall-to-wall cupboards to last a lifetime," said Moore. "And we all know from my movie that sorcery cannot penetrate snack cakes. Thus, Al and I are safe from the spell--for now."

NOTE: If this report reaches you before the presses are shut down or before Fox News intercepts it, the Democratic party urges anyone opposed to the Republican tyrany to pool together their nooses matches, lighter fluid and chopped wood in preparation of the coming assault on the White House. Let the few sane Americans who remain unite for "A Stronger America."

With reporting by Jack Wagoner. Copyright 2004 AP.